Lost Causes

I.

Steph and Timothy Cole waited nervously in exam room number 225 of the Fallon Health Clinic in downtown Worcester, Massachusetts. This was a day they had waited over two years for; a day that brought many tears, disappointments, and arguments in those past two years. Timothy was hold both of Stephanie's hands to help calm her continuous shaking. He himself tried to pass the time by tapping his right foot against he linoleum tile that covered the exam room. When at last the doctor came in, Steph and Timothy quickly stood up straight, eyes wide open, to greet the doctor. The doctor was rolling a large, white, bulky machine behind her that Timothy guessed must be older than he was. She smiled at the young couple, and rolled the machine to a rest in the corner next to the exam bed.
“Hello, I'm Dr. Fisher, I'll be your doctor for today.” She said with a smile.
Timothy and Stephanie said nothing, only smiled back at her with a radiant, friendly smile.
“Are you two ready?” Dr. Fisher said, with an amused smile.
Timothy and Steph looked at each other, still holding each other's hands, nodded, then turned back to the doctor.
“Yes, we're ready, we've been waiting for this day for well over two years. We're still speechless that it finally came.” Steph said.
“Well then I would want to keep you two waiting another minute, lets fire up this old machine and have a look. Stephanie, if you could please lay down on the bed behind you.” The doctor said, still retaining her smile.
Stephanie did as the doctor requested. Dr. Fisher rolled the white machine over beside the bed and turned it on. Green and red lights flashed next to the screen that now was flashing streaks of black and white across its small surface.
“Is this your first ultrasound?” The doctor asked.
“Yes. Actually, it's my first pregnancy.” Stephanie said with a proud smile.
“Well congratulations! I'm sure both of you will be very happy.” Dr. Fisher said.
The doctor unhooked the transducer that was attached to the ultrasound machine, lifted up Steph's shirt to reveal her stomach that had enlarged nearly twice its size in the past five months, and placed the transducer on it, near her navel. On the black screen flashed more grainy white images that neither Timothy or Stephanie could depict. Dr. Fisher at last held the transducer in a certain spot, then pointed to the screen.
“See, that's the head right there, and the arms.” The doctor said.
Steph and Timothy could only stare at the screen, mouth and eyes wide open. A big grin was slowly forming on Steph's face, overjoyed at finally seeing her baby that she had tried hopelessly for, for over two years. Tim's face had an equally joyous grin as he stared at the screen with his cobalt blue eyes.
“Do you care to know which sex it is?” Dr. Fisher asked.
Steph and Tim looked at each other again, then turned back to the doctor. “No, we want it to be a surprise when it comes.” Steph said.
“Okay, well I hope It'll come as a pleasant surprise to both of you.” The doctor said laughing, while she turned off the machine.

II.

Steph and Timothy walked out of the clinic around six. Steph was carrying the ultrasound photos under her arm as her and Tim rushed through the cold January weather to their 1998 Toyota Camry. The starless, cloud covered sky and strong winds hinted of an approaching nor'easter storm, but Steph was still too ecstatic to notice her long, black hair had become a tangled mess from the strong winter wind. Steph got into the passenger seat of the Camry, holding the ultrasound photos firmly in her lap, making sure they wouldn't fall.

Her and Tim had gotten married right after college, yet three years later they still we're living from paycheck to paycheck with little room for luxuries like a new car. Yet Steph did mind, she was always happy with Tim, and now she would be even happier with their soon to be child. Tim was starting his own printing and shipping business in their small town of Sturbridge, and he kept saying that one of these days all of his hard work would pay off. Although Steph was unsure of just how successful a printing business in such a small town would be, she always stood behind him and encouraged him. She even did the stores accounting work free of charge, at least until the pregnancy made everything a painful task. What worried Steph the most though was that she knew she would have to get a job of her own to help support the family if Timothy's printing business didn't take off like he hoped and planned. She had always dreamed of being a stay at home mother, and hated the thought of daycare.

Timothy started the car, and pulled out of the hospital's parking lot, heading toward Interstate 290, which would bring them to Interstate 90, and eventually to the Sturbridge exit. Snow was falling lightly as he pulled out of the parking lot, but by the time they passed through the innumerable amount of lights in downtown Worcester, and finally reached the on ramp, the snow was falling heavier and a thin layer of snow had already stuck to the roads. On the interstate, the snow didn't seem to effect the mind's of many of the notoriously crazy Massachusetts drivers. Although Tim was still driving slightly over the speed limit in snowy conditions, cars and tractor trailers buzzed by in the passing lane, kicking up snow dust that splattered onto the windshield, making his field of vision close to nothing. Once they merged onto the Mass Pike, Tim had slowed down well below the speed limit. The roads had a thick layer of icy snow, but Tim was still able to maintain the cars stability.
“Maybe you should pull over into one of the service plazas Tim.” Steph said, growing concerned.
“No, not now, it isn't a far drive to the Sturbridge exit, but if it gets any worse I will.” Tim said.
Steph said nothing, just looked at the road, helping as a second pair of eyes for Tim. After another stressful hour of driving, a drive that would normally take no more than fifteen minutes, the couple at last spotted the green exit sign that told them they could either take Interstate 84, or go to Sturbridge. As Tim pulled into the right most lane on the off ramp, both of them let out a premature sigh of relief. But before they were safely off of the highway, a large SUV struck the left side of the Camry's back bumper, sending the car into a violent skidding spin. Tim tried frantically to regain control of the car, but the icy highway made it impossible. The small Camry spun around twice on the slick highway, before crashing into the yellow safety barrels and guardrail that made up the divider between the exit ramp and the highway. The car hit the barrels on the passenger side, pinning Steph between Tim, and the crushed side door. The door frame had hit her in the head hard enough to send white spots dancing across her vision, and the last thing she remembered before passing out, was the faint smell of burning fuel.

III.

Seven years after the accident that took the life of her unborn child, Stephanie Cole was still dealing with the grief of her loss on that tragic night. Steph's life had changed dramatically in the past seven years. Tim's printing business had taken off like he had hoped, and his printing shop was now one of the largest in central and western Massachusetts. But even the happiness that the business brought wasn't enough to put him to sleep on those long nights when he would lay in bed thinking, wishing that he pulled over to a rest stop or avoided the car altogether. And although Steph never blamed him for the accident, Tim still felt it was his fault, and he spent many hours simply sitting in silence, thinking. Steph rarely bothered him during those times, for she knew that was his way of grieving, much like how crying for two full years was her way. After those two long, and dreadful years, Steph decided to get a job as an accountant at a small corporation in Worcester. And although Tim told her she didn't need to work since his income was well more than enough for the two of them, Steph told him that she needed a job to keep her busy, and keep her mind off of the accident. Both Tim and Steph were in their early thirties, and they thought about trying for another child, but Steph didn't want to have to go through the same pain again that she did with their first.

On January 21, 2008, Steph was driving home from her job in Worcester, only now it wasn't a Camry she was driving, now it was a black Audi that her husband bought her last year. She thinking about how Tim would be home from work by now, waiting for her to come home and cook something up for the two of them. In the back of her mind though was the memory of the accident, that happened seven years ago today, trying to slowly creep forward into her conscience. Tonight, the sky was cloudless, allowing for every star in the night to illuminate to its full potential. The cars on Interstate 90 had become few, and far apart in the space between the Worcester and Sturbridge exits. Rush hour traffic had long since passed along from its blockades of cars and trucks, leaving the highway nearly empty. Steph paid no attention to any of this though, all she could think about now was that night, that horrible, fateful night seven years ago. Steph turned up her stereo, which was now playing Radiohead, to full blast, anything to drown out the memory in her head. But the closer she got to the Sturbridge exit, the more her vision began to fade from reality and into the spectrum of dreams and memories. Her head began to throb, almost in unison with the pounding speakers behind the backseat. Swallowing became difficult, and the feeling of vomiting sank into her stomach and chest. Stephanie did not know it at the time, but she had lost all control of her body then, to engulfed in grief and past memories to control any part of her body. If it weren't for the long straight away that she was in, she most certainly would have crashing into the railing long ago, but maybe that would have woken her up. But instead of crashing into a guard rail, or simply running off the road, she crashed into the car of Mr. Daniel Walker, or rather, Mr. Daniel Walker, made a head on collision with Mrs. Stephanie Cole's car. Had Stephanie been awake and alert, she might have seen Mr. Walkers Ford pickup swerving between lanes in the east bound lanes. She might also have seen when he lost control of his pickup in his drunken state, and crashed into the two guardrails that made up the thin barrier between the east and west bound lanes. If she was more alert, she might also have seen the bright yellow headlights coming in her direction. But by the time Stephanie had noticed the bright lights and came back to her senses, it had been too late. The truck had crashed head on into Steph's small Audi. The only thing Steph could see upon the collision, was a screen of white inside her eyes, then before she passed out into what she at first thought might be eternal blackness, she thought she could once more smell the distance scent of burning fuel.

IV.

When Mr. Walker crashed into Stephanie's car, Tim was home, busy cleaning up the house and setting the table for whatever might be for dinner. For Tim, the days seemed to pass slowly, but not quite as slow as they did seven years ago. He spent most of his days either up at his printing shop, or in his study at home. Of course he also had Steph to keep him company, the only real friend he had in his life. And although it was now late at night, much later than the normal time Stephanie got home at, he worried little, for he knew what day it was as well, and he knew sometimes she mourned in her own way as well on this day. Yet still, that certain word always seemed to hang above his head. A word written in bright red letters that stood out like a neon sign. Only on nights like these, nights that brought back memories, that word seemed to hang only inches above his head. That word was of course “SUICIDE”. Not for him though, Timothy had already won his battle against the urge, for he knew if he went, Steph would truly have no one left, and he always wanted to protect her and love her. Tim was more scared of Stephanie's actions. He had never brought up the subject with her before, out of fear that he would only be embarrassed when she gave him a shocked look of disgust, telling him how could he think such a horrible thing. Maybe I should bring it up tonight when she gets home. Tim thought. No, not tonight, not this night, maybe tomorrow, yeah, tomorrow is good, doesn't have as many horrible memories. I don't want to make things any worse for her after all, not on a night like this.

Around nine, Tim was getting truly worried about Steph's whereabouts, and he knew he could no longer deny that something was unusual. He first tried calling Stephanie's mother in the nearby town of Holland, to see if maybe she went over there before coming home. After the fourth ring though, Tim realized no one would be picking it up. Yeah, Steph isn't over there, that old lady must go to bed at 6 o'clock for all I know. Tim thought. Next, he tried her sister who lived on the other side of Sturbridge. She picked up, but told her she had not seen Stephanie at all today. Tim, who was now on the brink of panic, decided to call Steph's work number, even though he knew she would have left at least an hour ago, even if she was staying late. His efforts were to no avail, he only got her voice mail telling him to leave a message after the beep and she'll get back as soon as she can. Tim scanned through any other possible numbers he could call. Well, her cell phone got run over by a van the other week, so that would do little good, not that she ever had the thing on anyway. Her father is over in Detroit, so I doubt he would know where she is. After thinking for quite some time, Tim at last made one last phone call, this time he dialed the number for the Sturbridge police department.

After the second ring, a dull, lifeless voice of a young woman answered the phone with the an unfriendly greeting of, “Hello, Sturbridge police department, what's your emergency?” The words sent a quick chill up Tim's back.
“Yes, I would like to report a possible missing person.” Tim said.
“What is her name sir?”
“Stephanie Anne Cole” Tim said.
“How long has she been missing?” The receptionist asked.
“Well, she should have been home from work about four hours ago, maybe three at the most. I tried calling her work, and some family members and got nothing. I understand I may be calling a bit prematurely, but I seem to have this strange feeling that she might be in trouble. You know how that sometimes happens?” Tim said, trying his best to cover up his rising panic.
“Last known location?” The receptionist asked in that same lifeless tone, ignoring the question.
“Well the last I saw her was this morning before she left for work. But I'm assuming since nobody from her job called the house asking for her, she probably got to work.” Tim said.
“Okay well thank you sir, I will call you if we come up with any information. Goodbye-”
“Wait, wait. I was just wondering, has anything come into the station tonight? Car accidents, fires, suicide attempts? Anything at all?” Tim asked.
“Um, well, there was an accident on the Pike about three hours ago.” The receptionist asked, a bit flustered and confused.
“A...a car accident? How bad? Did they identify who was in it?” Tim asked, his heartbeat now rising, his hands becoming sweaty.
“I don't know very much about it sir. All I know is that it was a pretty bad accident near the exit ramp. One of the drivers was identified as Daniel Walker, but the other driver has not been identified yet, her drivers license was burned in the fire.” The receptionist said.
“What...what types of cars were involved in the accident? Like what company? Do you know that much?” Tim asked, his heart pounding so loud it was ringing inside his ears. His speech was now becoming faster.
“I believe the accident involved a head on collision between a green Ford pickup, and a small black Audi, but that all I can-”
“THAT HER! THAT'S MY WIFE'S CAR!” Tim shouted out of panic and near insanity. “Is she okay? Where did they take her? Is she alive? Awake? Did she get burned in the fire?” Tim asked frantically, not realizing he was sounding like a mad man.
“Calm down sir, I was told she was taken to the U-Mass medical clinic in Worcester. She was unconscious when they pulled her out, but I cannot tell you of what state she is in right now. I can forward you to our chief if you-”
Tim hung up the phone without responding, put on his jacket, and rushed out the door toward his Mercedes.

Tim not only talked like a mad man on the phone, he also drove like one down the interstate. By the time he merged onto I-90, he had already accelerated to 90 miles per hour. Luckily for him, the highway was almost dead of cars, with the police and cleanup crews still cleaning up the accident in the other lane. Tim paid little attention to the flashing blue lights, he knew the cops would be to busy directing traffic, and even if he did happen to see flashing lights in his rear view mirror (Not that he was even checking it.) he probably would have made little effort to pull over. He never slowed down his cars speed, and made only one brief stop at the tollbooths that led him onto I-295, which would bring him to the hospital. Memories of his own began to come back into his mind. Memories of the snow and the slick roads that he had to drive through on this highway. Memories of how he should have pulled over, how he should have stopped someplace until it was safe. But right now, those memories would have to take a backseat, for now he was only thinking about his wife's safety. He was now in the city limits of Worcester, and he was forced to reduce his speed to a, crawling, 75 miles per hour. Yet still, Tim made sure to make the best of the situation by swerving in and out of cars, leaving a loud trail of honks and beeps behind him in the January night. Tim at last got to the hospital about five minutes later, and had managed to complete his short journey in a matter of only fifteen minutes, a trip that would normally take him no less than thirty in ideal conditions and traffic.

Timothy rushed into the hospital, went up to the smiling receptionist behind the desk at the building's entrance, and impatiently asked her where his wife was. After receiving the information he wanted to know, he walked at an exceptionally fast pace down the corridor which supposedly led to the room where his wife was. He rushed past doctors and nurses, pushing aside any who might be in his way. When he at last got to the room that the receptionist told him she was in (Room 215), he entered without so much as a knock. Upon entering, he saw a doctor in a white lab cote standing above Stephanie, holding a stethoscope to her chest. The doctor turned around and greeted him, holding out his hand for a mutual shake. Tim paid no attention to the doctor's friendly actions, and instead went directly to his wife, and asked the doctor what her condition was. The doctor told him Steph was alive and fairly healthy for someone who experienced such an accident. Unfortunately, the accident had also caused Stephanie to enter into a coma, which the doctor was unsure of how long she would be in for, if she ever even got out of it at all.

V.

After what seemed like an eternity of blackness, Stephanie at last came out of her comatose state. Only when she opened her eyes, she did not see the white washed walls of a hospital room like she had expect. Instead, she found herself lying on a grassy field, staring up into a cloudless blue sky. The air was no longer that bitter January chill, but instead felt like a comfortable spring day in May. When she stood up, Steph saw that she was at the far edge of a grassy field. At the opposite end was a collection of playground equipment. Playing on the equipment and the surrounding area, were a dozen or so children that varied in age. Where am I? Steph thought to herself. Her own thoughts seemed to echo loudly inside her head, it seemed so loud that at first she thought she had accidentally said her thoughts aloud. She looked behind her, and saw the entrance to a small cluster of trees, beyond that, she could see houses and telephone poles. Everything in this place had a certain, unrealistic brightness and colorfulness to it that reminded Steph of an over exposed picture. Steph was still looking around in her dazed and confused state, when she saw that one of the children was running over to her. Unsure of what to do, or say, to a child she had never met, in a place she had never seen before, she braced herself for the worst. As the child got closer though, she saw a big, joyous smile on the young boys face, which made her feel slightly less tense. The boy's smile briefly reminded her of pictures she'd seen of Timothy when he was young. The boy had dirty blond hair that reached to the top of his neck in the back, and to his eyebrows in the front. He had deep, blue eyes that made Steph think of the ocean just before the sun disappeared into the horizon. Stephanie guessed the boy could be no older than nine. When the boy reached her, he wrapped her arms around her leg in a tight, friendly squeeze.
“Hi mommy!” The blond haired boy said with great joy.
Steph tried to speak, but her shock, and deeper confusion, made her stutter out incoherent slurs and fragments of words. When the boy at last looked up into Steph's eyes with a confused, and slightly worried look, Steph finally found her voice, just before the boy was going to ask her if she was alright.
“I'm not you're mommy. You must have mistaken me for somebody else, I'm not anybodies mother.” Steph stuttered.
“Yes you are, you're my mommy, you're name is Stephanie Anne Cole, or at least that's what my Father says it is” The boy said with a proud smile.
Stephanie's eye's widened with astonishment. Who is this boy? And how does he know my name? She thought to herself.
“Well, how can you be my son? I've never had a child.” Steph said.
“Yes you did. But I died on January 21st, 2001 in a car accident, or at least that's what my Father says” The boy said.
Stephanie couldn't believe what she was hearing. I must be dreaming, yes that's it, I'm simply dreaming and I'll wake up in a hospital bed with Tim next to me any moment now. Yet Steph still could not keep the boy out of her thoughts.
“Don't you recognize me mommy?” The boy asked with a painful look.
Steph looked very closely at the boy, and began to see just how similar he looked to her husband Tim. His hair, his smile, even his build, were all similar, yet strangely different from Tim when he was a young boy. Steph knew there was only one way to tell if this was truly her son. Dream or not, she had to find out who this kid was.
“What's your name?” Steph asked.
“Well, my Father said it was going to be Joesph, but that sounds like a silly name to me.” He said with a smile.
Steph's eyes widened even more, and she began to feel light headed again, and thought she was on the verge of fainting. Her throat became dry and he was once more stuttering incoherent speech. Joesph was what we were going to name our child if he was a boy! She thought. The echo of her own voice in her head seemed deafening to her own ears now.
“Well, I...I guess you are my son. But how can that be possible? You died. You can't be here in front of me. I must be dreaming.” Steph said, even thought she knew this was no normal dream, she had never dreamed of seeing her unborn child.
“What's a dream? My Father says dreams don't exist in this world. He said says that he uses dreams to talk to people in your world sometimes. I wish I could have a dream.” Joesph said with disappointment.
“Your world? What do you mean? There's only one world.” Steph said.
“Nuh uh, my Father says that there's two world, your world that he said you call earth, or something like that, then there's my world, which my Father says you call Heaven.” The boy said.
Up until now, Steph had tried to believe she was still dreaming, but now a horrible thought came across.
“Wait, are you saying I'm dead?” She asked, growing worried.
“No, if you were dead you would be in a different part of, Heaven, is that what you call it? I always forget.” Joesph said.
“So why am I here?” Steph asked, feeling slightly relieved.
“I don't know, my Father says you're here to see me before you return to your world.” The boy said smiling.
“When you say your 'Father', do you mean God?” Steph asked.
“God? Who's that? That's a funny sounding word.” Joesph said.
“Then who's your father?” Steph asked.
“Well we always call Him simply, Father, but His real name is Jehovah.” He said with another proud smile.
So his Father is God. Yeah, I really must be going crazy now, I'm in “Heaven” talking to my “son”, who was told by God that his mother would come to see him. Steph thought.
“So Heaven is simply just a big playground?” Steph asked, trying to add some humor to ease her mind.
“No, this is just part of it, Heaven a lot bigger than this. But doesn't this place look familiar to you?” Joesph asked.
“No, it doesn't, it just looks like a playground.” Steph said.
“Are you sure? My Father said you would know this place.”
Steph looked closer at the playground and the surrounding area. Then suddenly everything began to come back to her, and she knew exactly where she was. She was at the small park that was located near the house where she grew up in the large town of Enfield, Connecticut. Memories of past events, many of which she had tried to block out ever since she moved to Massachusetts, came flooding back. She remembered the time she feel off the swing and scrapped her knee enough to make her cry. Or when her and her brother tried to spin each other as fast as they could around the small, metal merry-go-round. Thoughts she had long since forgotten all seemed to rush into her head all at once.
“Yes, you're right, I do know this place, I use to come here when I was a little girl.” Steph said softly.
“Come on mom, I want to show you all my friends.” Joesph said, grabbing his mother's hand.
Steph followed reluctantly behind him as he headed toward the playground. Soon Steph was surrounded by all of the children, all who looked to be the same age as Joesph. And after a long session of greeting and laughing, Steph and Joesph took a seat on the swings. Steph made sure to not sit in the same one she scrapped her knee on as a little girl. Still in a state of disbelief and confusion, she decided now may be the best time to ask her son as many questions as she could before waking up from the dream she thought she was in.
“So where do go when you aren't at the park?” Steph asked.
Joesph gave her a puzzled look. “What do you mean? We never leave the park.”
“You don't? Then where do you go when it's night? Or when it's cold?” She asked.
“Night? What's that? Your world has some really funny words.” Joesph said, grinning.
“Night is when the sky gets dark sweetie.” Steph said, surprised that she had called a boy she had met not even an hour ago “sweetie”.
“Dark? My Father says darkness is bad.” Joesph said, looking concerned.
“Well, it is, but we have lights where I come from so we can see. Plus when the moon and stars are out, nighttime can be very beautiful.” Steph explained. “So what about eating or drinking?”
“What are you talking about? What is eating? Drinking? We don't have any of that stuff up here” Joesph said, giving Steph a look like she was a crazy woman (Although she thought she was pretty crazy by now as well).
“Well how come you never leave the park?” Steph asked.
“My Father says we can't, not now anyway.” He explained.
“Well can I leave the park?” Steph asked.
“Yeah, my Father said you can leave anytime you want, but He said once you step into the parking lot, you can never come back here.” Joesph said.
“Did your Father tell you anything else about me?”
“Yeah, He said something about how He has a journey for you. That was why He brought you here to this park, it was the start of your journey.” He said.
“And where will this journey end?” She asked.
“Going back to your world of course, you can't stay here forever if He hasn't called you home yet.” He said.
“Can I take you with me?” Steph asked.
“You sure ask a lot of silly questions. You can't take someone who's already home, back to your world, once your Father calls you home, that's where you stay.” He explained.
“Is this journey going to be in Heaven?” She asked.
“No, my Father said it was going to be in a place not in Heaven or on earth, but in a very bad place, a place you won't like.” He said.
“Hell?”
“No, not that bad, you can't be in Heaven and then be sent into hell, He just told me it's a place you would know very well, but that place will also be very different.” Joesph said.
“Do you know why He sending me on a journey?” She asked.
“I don't know, He didn't tell me, He told me that was between you and Him.” He said.
“Well can I walk to your Father?”
“You are a silly mommy. No one from your world can talk to Him until He's called them home forever.” He explained.
“Then how will I know where to go and what to do on this journey if I can't talk to Him?” She asked.
“Well, how do you talk to Him in your world?” He asked.
“Well, we pray usually, or we look at signs He sends us.” She said.
“Then the answer is easy mommy, just pray to Him and look for signs here also, He is everywhere after all.” Joesph said raising his hands into the air to emphasize his point.
Steph was silent, feeling embarrassed to be outsmarted by her own unborn child.
“Okay, well I think mommy is just going to wait right here until she wakes up from her dream, because right now mommy is feeling a bit crazy and thinks it's best if she just stays put.” Steph said sarcastically.
“My Father said you would probably say something like that. He always found it funny that even His own children refuse to believe that they're actually in Heaven and instead pass it off as being a dream, that's what you called it right? Your words are really funny so I forget them sometimes. But my Father says that He would expect the people that don't believe in Him to think it's all a dream, since they think they're smart and that's the only explanation for someone who's blind. But He said He expects differently from people who say they believe in this very place, yet deny that it exist once they get there.” Joesph said.
Once more, Steph felt embarrassed to be outsmarted by an unborn seven year old.
Maybe this isn't a dream. I've never heard a seven year old boy talk like he's my college professor, not even in my dreams. Steph thought, then quickly brushed away the thought.
“So are all of the children here, like you? Did they all die before they were born?” Steph asked, trying to change the subject away from her.
“Yeah, everyone here died in a car accident on the same day I did, none of them fully entered into your world, they were all inside their mommy when the accident happened. But my Father says we didn't miss out on much. He says your world is fully of bad people and bad things.” Joesph said.
“Your Father is right sweetie.” Steph said, again surprised that she uttered that word.
“How come you can daddy never tried to have another child?” Joesph asked.
“Well, mommy and daddy didn't want to go through the pain of possibly losing another child, plus all the memories, and I don't know, we didn't want to make things worse for us.” Steph said.
“Why don't you adopt someone? My Father says there's lots of orphans in your world.” Joesph said.
Steph was once more stunned by the fact that this child knew what things like orphans and adoption was, but had no idea what night or food was.
“Well, I don't know sweetie, we just never did.” Steph said, not able to defend herself.
“Did you not have enough money?” Joesph asked.
“No, we have plenty of money.” Steph said gravely.
“So did you not adopt because you thought they were just kinda, lost causes?” Joesph persisted.
“I guess you could say that, I don't know, mommy and daddy just couldn't be parents after we lost you.” Steph said, still unable to believe she was getting into a debate with her unborn son, and was losing it.
“Well I think you and daddy should have a baby. You guys would be a lot happier!” Joesph said, his face lighting up.
“Maybe you're right.” Steph said, returning his smile.
“So mommy, when are you going to start your journey?”
“Journey? The only journey I'm starting is taking a nice rest here, then maybe I'll wake up in a couple of hours in 'my world' and everything will be back to normal” Steph said laughing.
“But, the longer you wait, the longer daddy is going to be sad, and you won't wake up unless you do what my Father asked.” Joesph said with a concerned look.
Steph hadn't thought about Tim. He must surely be at the hospital by now, and if not, he must be worried sick at home. Okay, maybe I should just play along with this, complete this “journey”, then be on my way, who knows, maybe it'll work crazy things happen when you're unconscious or in a coma. Steph thought.
“Well okay, I guess I better start this journey. Did your Father tell you anything else about it?” Steph asked, half amused.
“Yeah! He did, he wanted me to hand you this paper, I don't understand what's on it, but he said you would.” Joesph said, reaching into his side pocket and pulling out a folded piece of paper. The paper seemed whiter than anything Steph had ever seemed, so white that it seemed to glow in her son's hand has he gave it to her. Steph unfolded the paper, and saw in a large, classic looking font, were three three words that both shocked Steph, and sent a chill up her spin as she read them. The paper read “Ex Malo Bonum”. Steph had taken Latin in high school and college, and could speak it almost fluently, and she knew exactly what ex malo bonum meant, it was a famous Latin phrase that transferred roughly into “Good out of evil”, or, if the words were reversed slightly, it could also mean “From evil comes good”. This had actually been one of Stephanie's favorite Latin phrases, and she used it often in her classes, or in the Latin club that she joined in college. After reading the slightly frightening phrase, she noticed that below the short sentence was something else. Written even large, was a large “7”. It was written halfway between the Latin phrase and the bottom of the page in that same classic looking font that reminded Steph of Roman numerals. She had no idea what the seven meant, but had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time she would see it. Steph then folded the paper back up, and placed it into her back pocket.
“Is that all?” Steph said.
“Yep, I think so anyway, sometimes I forget things” He said with a smile.
“Okay, well, mommy should be going on her way. I don't want daddy to be sad any longer than he has to be.” Steph said.
“Okay! Bye mommy! I love you! I can't wait to see you again!” Joesph said with a bright smile.
Steph bent down and hugged her son, although still doubting that he really existed, and kissed him on his warm forehead. “I love you too, and I'll think about you every day, even though I've done that already since the day I found out I was pregnant.” Steph said. She then proceeded toward the edge of the parking lot, and surveyed where she would be walking. Although she knew she could walk through these streets with her eyes closed, she wanted to make sure everything was still the same. She could see her old elementary school across the street, she could see Heron Road where her best friend use to live, and looking down Taylor Road, she could already see the entrance to the street she use to live on, Ridge Road. She looked back one last time, smiled, and waved to her son, who was now surrounded by all of the other kids as well. Then she put her right foot forward, and stepped over the asphalt curbing into the parking lot.

VI.

Once she stepped fully into the parking lot, everything around her changed instantaneously. The sky was no longer a bright blue, but was instead a dull mix of orange and gray. The trees were bare of all their leaves and their bark was a burnt black. The grass was a yellowish brown, and the asphalt was cracked and eroded. The school was reduced to a pile of rubble, with only one of its front walls still standing. All of this, made Steph jump back onto the curb, but when she turned around ,she saw that even the playground was now a pile of rust and melted plastic. Well, Joesph said this place isn't hell, but it sure looks like it is. Stephanie thought. When she took another look around, she noticed something odd in the eastern sky. She saw a tall pillar of light coming from the a spot unseen on the ground, and rising into the dull sky, where it disappeared behind the gray clouds. Well, God guided Moses by a pillar of fire, guess He's guiding me by a pillar of fluorescent lighting. Steph thought, trying to ease her mind. She began to walk down Taylor Road toward the pillar of light, but she knew that she had to make one quick detour; she had to see her old house.

Once she got to the intersection of Taylor Road and Ridge Road, she took a right, and started walking toward her old house, 17 Ridge Road. The road formed a semi circle, before it reconnected with Taylor Road, and Stephanie's house was at the very tip of the arch that the semi circle made. And after a brief five minute walk, she at last came to her old house. The house was once a very simple two story house that didn't seem to fit into any architectural style. It was painted white, but now black mold covered most of the house, and the roof looked like it would collapse after years of rain. Steph wondered how mold and dampness could even exist in a place where everything else seemed bone dry, but she figured anything could happen when your not in “her world”. She stepped onto her old, concrete porch, and opened the rusty screen door, which snapped off one of its hinges as she did so. Next, she opened the once heavy wooden door, but was now very light from dry rot and decay. When she stepped inside, the first thing she noticed was how dark it was inside, and how the house smelled heavily of mold. But the next thing she saw was much stronger, and more surprising than mold and darkness. She saw that plastered everywhere through her old living room, were bright red hand prints that reminded Steph of something a child might make in preschool. But she knew at once that those hand prints were made by no child, she knew exactly who made them. They belonged to the angry, hate filled hands of her father. As she stepped further into the room, she saw that there was no longer any furniture in the room, only those red hand prints that covered all the walls in innumerable amounts. From where she was, she could also see her old kitchen, which she saw was also painted in bright red hand prints that stood out even in the limited light. But she did not come here to look around this part of the house, and although she was already frightened by this whole house, especially those hand prints, she knew she had to visit the place she feared most, her bedroom. She slowly climbed the steps upstairs, and each step she took made the wood stairs below her creek with a wet, damp sound. When she got to the top, she noticed more of those hand prints, all of them pointing toward the direction of her room. Her room was the first door on the left, across from her brothers room and before her parents. Stephanie cautiously stepped inside, and saw that her room still had her bed, and chest of draws in it. And although the walls were green and damp with mold, her bed seemed to be perfectly intact. She also noticed that her room had a considerably larger amount of those hand prints. They not only covered the walls, but her bed and chest of draws as well. Paying little attention to these however, she walked over to her bed, and knew exactly what she was looking for. She reached under her bed and pulled out a well preserved photo album. She opened it, and began scanning the pictures. The first couple pages were of her family when she was very little, when her memory was still very young. Then they soon progressed to pictures of yelling. Then finally, they progressed to pictures of pure anger. Anger that only her father, Dante, had possessed. Anger that destroyed her family and her childhood. And of course, these pictures were all in red. As she turned to the last page fearfully, she saw that the left page had a picture of her closet, a ambient black, square hole in her wall, and on the adjacent page, was a large red hand print. The sign of the last pages, made Steph shut the book, and throw it back onto the floor, while letting out a short, frightened scream at the same time. And after wiping her hands on her jeans, believing maybe that would rid her of the horrible memories, she turned to the closet which stood wide open, just like it had in the picture. She closed her eyes quickly and tightly, turning her head toward her bed as she did so. Steph knew now that Joesph was right when he told her that this wasn't Heaven or hell, this was worse, this was her past.

She kept her eyes closed for a long time, simply thinking, and forgetting. When she opened them, Steph saw that the wall above her bed had changed. Carved into the damp plaster was another phrase. This similar, yet slightly more chilling phrase now read “Graviora Manent”, which Steph knew was Latin for, “Heavier things remain”. She also saw another large “7” sketched below the Latin sentence. Although Steph was once more puzzled by the meaning of these phrases and numbers, her fright greatly over powered her curiosity, and instead of thinking about what was carved on her wall, she sprinted out of the room and out of her old house, not caring about the hand prints or the cracking sound that the stairs made as she rushed down them.

When Steph rushed out of the house, she noticed that the landscape before her had once more changed. The sky was now black with night, and had only seven stars and a blood colored moon to illuminate her old neighborhood. The color of the moon reminded her of the hand prints, and she didn't like to look at it for too long. She instead, looked toward the bright pillar of light which was still radiating into infinity in the night sky. Steph had never been this scared in her life. Her fright hadn't even been this bad after she got into the first accident. But she also knew, much like the message said, that there was still much worse things to come, and she had a vague feeling of exactly what that thing was.

Taylor Road was much less dark than the winding paths of her old neighborhood. The pillar of light was shining directly down the road, illuminating the entire road, along with some of the scorched trees and earth. Although Steph was deeply frightened, she was also amazed as to how quickly day had turned to night when she was in her old house for what seemed like no more than ten minutes. She was also amazed at the clarity of the night sky compared to the day, yet wondered how the sky could only have seven stars. She wondered about the red moon as well, but avoided it as much as possible. To her, the moon felt like the eye of some evil presence that was always watching her. The pillar of light was the only thing in this barren place that gave her comfort, and for that, she made sure to keep her eyes on that the most.

Stephanie could no longer judge time, but she felt like it must have been at least an hour after she started, that she at last realized, with much dread and despair, exactly where this pillar of light touched the earth. She knew it was the place she feared more than any other. A place where her father Dante was sent after he did the very bad thing. She had been there only once, but that was enough to give her nightmares of her father for weeks. That place was the Enfield Maximum State Penitentiary.

When the prison at last came into view, seated on top of an unnatural looking hill, Steph thought about turning around and going back the other way. Yeah, a go where exactly? This place doesn't look like it has much for water or food, everything smells of sulfur and burnt wood. She thought. After seeing that she had very little choice, she continued forward, noticing that the moon had managed to creep directly above the prison during her walk. After a brief walk, she at last reached the entrance to the prison, which was at the base of its oddly shaped hill. She could see that the prison was surrounded by seven tall light post that once shone brightly at night, but were now as dark as the night sky. Steph also saw that although the prison was in bad shape, it was still standing unlike many of the other buildings she had come across in this strange world. The gate and guard post that once stood in front of her, had been blown over, burned down by some ancient storm. This left the path up to the prison completely unblocked. It's almost as if somebody did that on purpose, just for me. Oh wait, that's exactly what happened!” Steph thought, trying to hide her fear again.

The short walk up the gentle slope to the prison was relatively easy for her to walk up, and when she reached the top, she could see much of her old town from atop it She could also see the poor condition that the prison was in, which was much worse than she had first thought. The brick and concrete walls had large cracks running down them, and some parts of the wall had large holes in them that revealed the dark prison cells behind them. She when through the open doorway that led into the main office of the prison with caution, trying to prepare herself for the worst. The inside of the prison however looked much like her old house, completely bare of any and all furniture that may have once filled the office. The pillar of light no longer shone, but she didn't need its guidance anymore, she knew exactly where she was going. She walked through another doorway, past a pair of crumbled metal detectors, and onto the bare concrete floor of the first corridor of prison cells. Okay, my father's cell was on the first floor, number 1837. It was the last cell on the left before you got to the stairs that led to cell corridor B. Steph thought, reminding herself. Even though there was no light source, Stephanie was able to see perfectly down the hall of cells, but wasn't surprised when she wasn't able to see her father's cell at the far end, which was shrouded in darkness. As she walked down the hall though, the far end became more visible, and soon she could see the open iron door that once held her father for the murder of a teenage boy who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time during one of her father's drug deals. The cell door was painting a bright red. Red light the hand prints! Or the moon! Stephanie thought, breathing heavily now as she approached the cell. Each step closer to the cell felt like she was taking three steps back, and after what felt like hours, she at last reached the door of the cell. When she looked in, she saw the thing she had feared from the moment she came into this world, she saw Dante, her father.

Steph let out another short scream before covering her mouth and keeping the rest in. Dante was dressed in a long, red robe that match the cell door And the moon and hand prints! Steph thought. The hood of the robe covered his face in darkness in the nearly black cell, yet she didn't need to see her face to know it was him, his mere presence was enough. The walls of the cell were covered, much like the house had been. Only now they weren't covered in red hand prints. Now they were covered by hundreds of sixes that held the same color red as the hand prints did. Steph began to shake, for even someone who had never been to church or Bible study knew that sixes weren't exactly a good number to have, especially in large numbers. Without thinking about it, Steph stepped forward into the cell, and heard the blood red door slam behind her. She let out another scream, yet never took her eyes off of the hooded man that she knew was her father. Then, to her surprise, she began to shout at her father out of anger that she never knew she had.
“Get out of here! I hate you! Why can't you just leave, me, alone?!”
The hooded figure said nothing.
“Haven't you ruined enough of my life?! I was glad when they locked you up forever! I was glad when you finally died!” She continued.
Dante said nothing.
“What? Your speechless? That's something new! Talk! For once in your life talk!”
Her father said nothing.
“Whatever dad, go to hell. Oh wait, I forgot, you're already THERE!” She continued shouting, turning her back toward him at the same time, intent on getting out of the cell. When she realized that the door wouldn't budge, she turned back toward her father who remained unchanged.
“So what do I have to do to get out of here? Be like you and sell my soul to the devil?” She asked sarcastically. But she knew exactly what it was she had to do. The whole reason she had been brought here was not to simply yell at her dead father, it was to remember what he did, and forgive him. But the thought made a lump form in her throat.
“No...no, I will NEVER forgive you! Not after all that you did to our family!” She shouted, still surprised that her anger was able to mask how terrified she was. But she knew that this, thing, this reincarnation of her dad did not want forgiveness, it was her other Father that wanted to her to forgive her dad, yet she didn't know why.
Dante then stepped aside, revealing the back wall of the cell where dozens of Polaroid photos stuck to the dry concrete. Stephanie stepped closer to the wall, making sure not to get to close to her dad, or to the wall opposite him. When she was about a foot away, she noticed that the pictures were similar to the ones she saw in the photo album. The top row consisted of her worst memories. Memories of pain, both physically and emotionally. Memories that could only be remembered through a film of red, since that's what they seemed to be filled with. The closet, among many others held its high spot in the top row with the others. As she scanned down, she saw that each row grew less and less frightening. The second row showed her going to her old church and youth group. Wow, I forgot about that old church. That seemed like the only place where my dad couldn't hurt me, that was the only reason I even when there when I was little. Steph thought. The next row showed an old photo of her husband when he was a young boy. The photo reminded Stephanie of Joesph. I met Tim at my church's youth group, he was the only one that I ever trusted since he was the only nice boy in my life. Steph remembered. In that same row, were photos of her favorite memories of Tim. Their first date, their wedding, and their honeymoon. In the fourth, and last row, was a picture of a neon cross. She knew where this cross was, it was in Waterbury, Connecticut at the top of her favorite scenic mountain that she went to every summer as a little girl. Why is this here? It doesn't fit with the others. Steph thought. But when she saw the next one, she knew its purpose. The picture to the right of the cross, was the only colored photo on the entire wall. It was a photo of her son Joesph at the park in Enfield, surrounded by all of the other children there. Now I know! Steph thought, knowing for sure that she wasn't in any sort of dream. Tim, he showed me what it means to be loved. He brought me to church, he read verses to me from the Bible, he was the reason I put any faith in God, he was the reason I was happy, he was the reason I was able to see my son after all. But I never would have met him, or gone to church, if it weren't for my dad, and although I had a terrible childhood, I've had so many opportunities to be happy since then. He not only sent me here to forgive my father, but also to see the role he played in my life, and forgive myself. Forgive myself for falling away, for being depressed every day since the loss of Joesph. For not talking with Tim about it and not trying for another child because I was scared. Steph thought, turning directly to her father. But before she could utter and words of forgiveness, she saw that the robed man jump for her. Only now it truly was a demon, her fathers presence had vanished the moment she forgave him in her mind.

Steph managed to barely miss the claws that were on the demon, and she let out a loud scream as she jumped to the side. She began to run toward the iron door, which was no longer blood red, but instead painted a brilliant white, but she knew that it would be locked no matter what color it was. But when she slide it to open the door, it slid with amazing ease into the open position. She sprinted out the cell and slammed the door behind her, pinching the demons fingers between the warm iron and the cold concrete wall. It let out an an unearthly scream that made Stephanie's ear drums feel ready to burst at any moment. Stephanie began to push hard against the demon's hand, hoping to sever it completely. The harder she pushed, the more it screamed, and the further the white iron sunk into its flesh, causing an acidic smell to rise in a visible mist from its hand. She put one last push as hard as she could, and at last the creature's hand fell off and hit the floor before it burst into a puff of black flame and smoke. Without looking back, Steph started to run toward the entrance of the prison, but before she could flea, she noticed that across from her father's cell was another cell that was painted completely white, and had a heavily glow that made Stephanie step closer to it. The door was wide open, and she noticed something was written on the back wall. As she stepped into the cell, she noticed that the cell number was 2137. Inside, there were hundreds of sevens written in gold on all the walls. On the back wall though, written in black ink, much like the letter Joesph gave her, and her bedroom was, was another Latin phrase that she knew immediately, this one was much more comforting, it read, “Coram deo”, or “In the Presence of God.” Below the phrase, was yet another seven, that engulfed nearly the whole entire back wall. Knowing what to do, she placed her hands and feet against the back wall, spoke the phrase written on the wall, and stepped through into blinding whiteness.

VII.

While in the whiteness, Stephanie saw dozens of phrases flash by her. All of them were written in Latin. She couldn't read them all, or understand them all, but she saw enough to know that they were Biblical verses from various spots in Revelations. All of this last only seconds, but to Stephanie it felt like hours. After the last phrase flew by, her vision became blurred, and she was no longer looking at shear whiteness. Instead, she was looking at the hospital room, which was slowly coming into focus. She saw her husband, Tim, first only a blob, but them the details came in. He was looking at her with a look of joy and concern. Then everything else came into view. The cream colored walls, the florescent lights, and the ugly, decorative molding all became visible.
“Hi Tim, I've miss you so much.” She said with a smile, but her speech was partly slurred.
“Hi sweetie! Oh how I've missed you too!” He said, hugging her tightly.
“How long was I out?” She asked.
“Almost a week.” He said.
“Oh wow, it only felt like hours to me” She said.
“Well believe me, it felt like years for me” He said, smiling.

VIII.

Tim and Stephanie walked out of the hospital together another week later, hand in hand. They got into Tim's Mercedes, which was still in the same spot he left it in the first day he got there, and drove home together. But Stephanie wanted to make one quick stop before heading home.
“Hey, sweetie, can we make a quick stop before we go home?” She asked.
“Sure, anything for a girl that survived a car crash.” He said, smiling again. “Where do you want to go?”
“My old park in Enfield.” She said.
A look of concern fell over Tim's face. “You sure? That's not the first place I would go after a coma.” Tim said.
“Yes, I'm sure.”
“Okay, whatever you say.”

The trip took over an hour, but Steph didn't care if it took them a week to drive to, she knew this was a place she had to go to, and knew what would be there. She got out of the car, looked around a place that she had visited only what felt like hours ago, and walked toward the swings. On top of the leftmost swing, was exactly what Stephanie was looking for, a piece of white paper. She told Tim to wait in the car, and as she picked up the piece of paper, Tim looked in confusion from behind the dashboard. When she unfolded it, she saw that there was yet another phrase that she was very familiar with, “Dei, sub, numine, viget”, or “Under God's Spirit, she flourishes.” Below the phrase, was something that surprised Steph. Instead of one seven, there were three, all right next to each other. The unity of the sevens, and the phrase, made a smile on Stephanie's face. And when Tim saw it, he looked at her even more confused.
“What you got there?” He asked.
“Oh nothing, I'll explain later. But could you take me home? I'm kinda home sick.” She said.
“With pleasure.” Tim said, his smile returning.

IX.

When Stephanie got home, she took a soothing shower, then put on her pajamas and got ready to sit down on her couch. But before she could do that, an unexplained urge came over her. She instead, went into her bedroom, reached under her bed, and pulled out a photo album. The album was mostly empty, since it was meant for baby pictures of Joesph. Now, it only held pictures of the ultrasound, the ones she had held in her lap the day of the accident. Their corners were slightly burnt, but she cared little about such things. She flipped past all of these, and went to the very back cover. There was a leather sleeve that she had never noticed before on the back cover, and when she reached in, she pulled out a Polaroid picture. The picture was one she had seen before, it was a picture of her son Joesph in a brightly colored playground that seemed almost fake. He was surrounded by a dozen other children, all of them smiling brightly into the camera. A smile had crept across Stephanie's face again, the first real smile she had made in years. At that moment, Tim stepped into the doorway, leaned against it, and looked at his wife with a smile.
“What are you lookin' at sweetie?” He asked.
Stephanie put the photo down, turned toward Tim, still retaining her smile, and asked him a question he had been wanting to hear for seven years.
“Tim, how would you feel if we tried for another baby?” Steph said.
“I would love to try for another baby. But lets first get you some hot coco and some rest.” Tim said, smiling bigger than he had in years as well.

For a while nowI have been wanting to write a story that has connections to Revelation, and after months of trying to come up with a good way, I at last came upon this story idea. I don't remember how, exactly, the idea for the story came about, only that I was simply walking up the stairs one day, when suddenly the question of "I wonder what would happen if a mother met her unborn baby in heaven after a miscarriage or an abortion."  So I simply started working more with that, threw in some Latin phrases, and here we are.  Hope you enjoyed it!